So I stumble upon an unexpected tidbit today as I'm rummaging through my husband's desk drawers hunting for a stamp...
It's a sheet of lined paper, folded into quarters, and I can see that it's my husband's familiar scrawly handwriting in ball-point pen on the other side. I figure it's some notes he made to himself that I can now toss in my losing battle to "declutter" his desk... but what I read on the other side makes me sit down and focus my undivided attention.
The top says "Thoughts on approaches..." Under that heading are bits of phrases that I read through hurriedly at first, in an effort to get some context, but then go back to the top as I feel my stomach knot with unease. The phrases read:
"I love her no matter what, but this has been months of serious thought and consideration..."
"...something needs to change, because I feel like I'm changing..."
"Maybe a mid-life 'crisis', but feels very real to me..."
"...just not happy in this anymore, wish it were different..."
"...I believe we have ONE life, ONE chance only, can't waste the rest of mine feeling that there's something [someONE?] else out there who will be a better match for me..."
"She deserves a perfect match, too...I only want the best for her..."
"Would never ever do anything to hurt the kids, but feel it is important for them to have a great model of a happy relationship..."
So I guess, since this happened two days ago and I'm still feeling totally numb, that I'm still in the thick of the "What the HELL?!" stage right now (a term I'm sure is used by many marital therapists, right?). I haven't said a word to him about it. I'm afraid if I open my mouth I will start hurling accusations, and I'm just not sure if that's fair at this point... He deserves a chance to air his qualms and explain all this, right? I just don't want to say anything before I'm sure I can be fair and, well,.... at least not murderously angry... Should I wait for him to start this conversation or do I bring it to him?.... I'm afraid if I bring it up first, it gives him an easy entry into this discussion, and he should be doing ALL the work for it... I just don't know what people do in this situation.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Lamenting the Loss of Libido
Is it because I just turned 40? Or because I think of myself differently now? I don't know...
Try as I might, I can NOT convince my husband it has nothing to do with him. Men are built so differently. Millions and millions of years of animal and human evolution has produced what, even in today's modern civilization, amounts to males of a species programmed to disperse as much and as many sperm cells as possible before they die. Still holds true with humans. Really doesn't take much to rev those engines, even at 45 or 50 (or even at 75 - look at Hugh Hefner for God's sake). Unfortunately for me, the same evolution has no need for 40ish women whose eggs are turning crusty and would produce increasingly substandard and damaged offspring. Sadly, there is no evolutionary case for a libido in a woman over 40... [So what's is UP with Demi Moore????]
The awful part is that I miss it so much. I miss WANTING to have sex with my husband (or even Hugh Jackman!). I can almost remember what it felt like, and sometimes in my dreams I experience actual lust. I try to hold onto the feeling after I've woken up, but it invariably dissipates quickly and then I can't remember.
I worry that, in his heart, my husband really believes that I've just grown bored of him. He jokes sometimes that if there was someone "new" in my bed, I'd grow that libido right back in a New York minute.... But really, when I try to imagine my fantasy man in my bed, hands all over me... I get absolutely nothing. I tell him it's like there's a big gaping hole where my libido used to be. It's like the libido floor just dropped right out from under me. It's not even weakly lingering in the shadows... it's gone, baby, gone.
I searched all over the internet for some magic gems of advice that might give me a glimmer of hope. Most of what I read focused on problems in the relationship, which I honestly do not think is our problem. We are so ridiculously happy in our relationship. After fifteen years of marriage, we still love spending time together and would rather be with each other than with anyone else. We still love spending long leisurely evenings together making a new dish for dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, watching a movie after the kids are in bed. We laugh a lot together, and we truly respect each other. I believe we bring out the best in each other, and we love our life together. So I don't think that's it.
Everywhere online, I read there is no magic Viagra-like pill for women. Which makes sense to me, because most women just aren't turned on the same way as men are. My husband could look at a Victoria's Secret catalog and be ready to roll in all of three minutes. He used to show me the Cool Water ads from Vanity Fair and dare me to tell him I wouldn't hop right into bed with the gorgeous 22-year old Italian Adonis pictured, tan and glistening on the beach in the ad. Honestly, that just never did it for me. He looked like he thought he was gorgeous, and that was just such a turn-off...
I actually began thinking that it might not be so bad for both of us if my husband had an extra-marital sex partner. As long as there was no emotional attachment, of course (and I guess that is the big stumbling block, isn't it?). He could get what he needed, I would feel a lot less guilty. My husband is not the kind of man who demands or expects sex on his schedule. He's incredibly sensitive about my needs, so he won't begin to paw at me until he's in DIRE shape. And I try not to let him get to that point, BUT.... it still feels like work, and I wish it didn't.
So, is this really what happens in the next stage of life? You feel like you're at the top of your game in all other aspects of everything, and then your libido disintegrates? I don't know... I wish someone had told me to expect this... I wish I knew ahead of time that I should have enjoyed every last minute before the chemistry in my brain and body changed the way I felt about sex. Because this sucks.
Try as I might, I can NOT convince my husband it has nothing to do with him. Men are built so differently. Millions and millions of years of animal and human evolution has produced what, even in today's modern civilization, amounts to males of a species programmed to disperse as much and as many sperm cells as possible before they die. Still holds true with humans. Really doesn't take much to rev those engines, even at 45 or 50 (or even at 75 - look at Hugh Hefner for God's sake). Unfortunately for me, the same evolution has no need for 40ish women whose eggs are turning crusty and would produce increasingly substandard and damaged offspring. Sadly, there is no evolutionary case for a libido in a woman over 40... [So what's is UP with Demi Moore????]
The awful part is that I miss it so much. I miss WANTING to have sex with my husband (or even Hugh Jackman!). I can almost remember what it felt like, and sometimes in my dreams I experience actual lust. I try to hold onto the feeling after I've woken up, but it invariably dissipates quickly and then I can't remember.
I worry that, in his heart, my husband really believes that I've just grown bored of him. He jokes sometimes that if there was someone "new" in my bed, I'd grow that libido right back in a New York minute.... But really, when I try to imagine my fantasy man in my bed, hands all over me... I get absolutely nothing. I tell him it's like there's a big gaping hole where my libido used to be. It's like the libido floor just dropped right out from under me. It's not even weakly lingering in the shadows... it's gone, baby, gone.
I searched all over the internet for some magic gems of advice that might give me a glimmer of hope. Most of what I read focused on problems in the relationship, which I honestly do not think is our problem. We are so ridiculously happy in our relationship. After fifteen years of marriage, we still love spending time together and would rather be with each other than with anyone else. We still love spending long leisurely evenings together making a new dish for dinner, sharing a bottle of wine, watching a movie after the kids are in bed. We laugh a lot together, and we truly respect each other. I believe we bring out the best in each other, and we love our life together. So I don't think that's it.
Everywhere online, I read there is no magic Viagra-like pill for women. Which makes sense to me, because most women just aren't turned on the same way as men are. My husband could look at a Victoria's Secret catalog and be ready to roll in all of three minutes. He used to show me the Cool Water ads from Vanity Fair and dare me to tell him I wouldn't hop right into bed with the gorgeous 22-year old Italian Adonis pictured, tan and glistening on the beach in the ad. Honestly, that just never did it for me. He looked like he thought he was gorgeous, and that was just such a turn-off...
I actually began thinking that it might not be so bad for both of us if my husband had an extra-marital sex partner. As long as there was no emotional attachment, of course (and I guess that is the big stumbling block, isn't it?). He could get what he needed, I would feel a lot less guilty. My husband is not the kind of man who demands or expects sex on his schedule. He's incredibly sensitive about my needs, so he won't begin to paw at me until he's in DIRE shape. And I try not to let him get to that point, BUT.... it still feels like work, and I wish it didn't.
So, is this really what happens in the next stage of life? You feel like you're at the top of your game in all other aspects of everything, and then your libido disintegrates? I don't know... I wish someone had told me to expect this... I wish I knew ahead of time that I should have enjoyed every last minute before the chemistry in my brain and body changed the way I felt about sex. Because this sucks.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What Michelle Williams Said in "Time" Magazine...
As I contemplate the very first blog entry on my new site, I can't help but think of what I read in Time Magazine this morning. In a "10 Questions" interview with actress Michelle Williams, she said,
"Somebody once told me that being a parent is like dying and being reborn, which sounds drastic, but I understood what she meant...If I don't get that right, then nothing else really matters...There's not a part of my life that it hasn't touched."
That really resonates with me. In my desperation to do motherhood right, I've lost ME. I have not only been "reborn", the last version of me is dead and long gone! I can't even remember the me I was before I had my children (two boys, ages 8 and 5). The old me has, with each passing motherhood moment and experience, vanished into thin air.
Time to reinvent, I say! This blog is all about my new emergence.... Brace yourselves. It may not be pretty - probably will shock some of you!...But this is all for my own fun and growth, so either enjoy the ride or get the Hell off my train.
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